Being Honest with Myself – Part of My Weight Loss Journey
My Weight Loss Journey – Being Honest with Myself
I love the Self-Help section of the bookstore. There seems to be a “solution” for almost every issue one can imagine! It’s almost ridiculous, the number of diet books and plans I have collected over the years. The thing is, I have learned something new from each of those books, so, I don’t feel that any of them have been a waste of time or money. But none have really addressed the deeper issues of why I am fat or the reason I continue to choose to be fat.
So, I have decided to approach my weight, health, outlook on life, in a different way. I am choosing to look deeper at the reason I eat. The reason I have excess weight on my body. I can tell you, that it’s beyond just liking food.
Food is very much my drug of choice. My legal addiction – food and the act of eating. The very process of eating brings joy or at least joy, peace, and relief while eating.
Weight Loss Journey
The first step of this journey is to be honest with myself and to look at how I have allowed this behavior to become unmanageable.
Honesty. I always thought of myself as an honest person. I don’t lie. I’m not a fan of liars. However, when it comes to some things, I’ve realized that I am not honest. I have been very dishonest when it comes to eating, not only with myself but with people I love.
I have baked a pan of brownies and hid them and then eaten the entire pan by myself. When I hear my husband coming home from work, I jump up and hide candy wrappers or whatever I happen to be eating, in the trash. Then hide what I put in the trash under paper towels or push the stuff down to the bottom of the can. I have even used the guest bathroom trash where I know my husband won’t accidentally find the evidence of what I have been eating. At night, I wait until he goes to bed so I can eat more, and he won’t know how much I eat.
I recognize that this is all very unhealthy thinking and behavior. I realize I need to change.
To make a change, I must give a damn. I have to literally give. a. damn. Because for the longest time I have not cared. There have been days/weeks where I have not cared, about anything.
So, I have been focusing the past week to 10 days on abstaining from complacency and apathy.
A quick search will tell you – that complacency is a “feeling of contented self-satisfaction, especially when unaware of upcoming trouble.” Apathy is “complete lack of emotion or motivation.” There’s a difference between complacency and apathy and I have been guilty of both.
I have been complacent with my weight loss. Last December, I decided I wanted some Mr. Goodbars and KitKats. I grabbed mini packages of them, because I told myself that the mini packages are better alternative to the regular sized ones, and I ate them all. The next morning, I weighed myself to find that my weight hadn’t moved, so I thought – “I got away with it!” So, I did it again the very next night, but added in Pringles. I weighed the next morning, gaining a pound or two. I thought – “I can live with a pound or two.” So, I did it again. Each morning weighing – to say to myself, “I can live with that.” Until I stopped weighing. I stopped caring. I continued to eat junk on a nightly basis. My weight climbed. I was lying to myself.
- I didn’t get away with anything.
- It’s not a good idea to ignore a pound or two.
- Mini packages are not the better option.
- There are always consequences for ALL choices. Good and bad.
My complacency, the being unaware of upcoming trouble, lead to complete apathy.
I have wondered, maybe I want to stay stuck in this pattern of behavior, in this overweight body. But – what do I gain by remaining fat? Do people have less expectations of me when I’m fat? Am invisible when I’m fat? Is the fat a protective barrier?
It’s time to take an honest look at myself, my temptations, my decision-making process, and how this fat is working for me on some level. I’m still trying to figure out my motivation for continued self-sabotage.
Throughout this process I’m also looking at what keeps me complacent or apathetic. Binge watching TV is part of this, which leads to inactivity and I eat while watching TV.
Like I mentioned above, my first step has been abstaining from being complacent and apathetic. Which means:
- Following the plan I created to keep my household in order and clean.
- Setting goals for 3 things I want to accomplish each day and meeting those goals.
- Walking and talking with a friend regularly. It’s like free therapy.
- Weighing and/or measuring my food.
- Stop making excuses for poor choices.
- Stop eating at 8pm nightly.
Due to my dishonesty, I have not been the best for myself which leads me to not be the best for my children, my husband, my friends, or my customers. I’m not reaching goals and I have some amazing goals!
Sometimes I don’t want to be honest with myself or with God about how much of a mess I really am. But I know that God knows me and loves me. He knows me better than anyone else, including me.
I realize that I could be in a worse situation with an alcohol or drug addiction. It’s easy to say, it’s only food. It’s only overeating; however, this addiction is keeping me from being my best self. It’s adding dangerous weight to my body and doing damage to my health and self-esteem.
Food is a temporary filling. It is not going to fix any issue or feeling. It’s not a remedy or a solution. It’s part of the lie I’ve been telling myself. KitKats are amazing, but after I suck one down, I’m still depressed, lonely, bored, or tired. I’m ready for some truth and light, which I believe will lead to a much lighter me – in all ways.
Verses for this Week:
“I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” Philippians 4:11
“Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things” Alma 26:11-12